Thursday, June 09, 2005
Sometimes the right thing to do is garbled, plus it hurts.
I adore extremities. I hold people with extreme views, actions and personalities in high regard. You have my respect and I will most probably like you if you are utterly stupid, unhinged, weird or that you have certain extremist viewpoints that you hold dear and that you are opinionated. It takes guts to be a deviant and not abide to the norms.
This is turning out to be one hell of a week. I have experienced two separate, bipolar extremities in the short span of five, mere days. At one point I was euphoric, I was literally quivering with delight. I was filled to the brim with anticipation; I assumed that I finally made it. I truly believed that my efforts paid off. Now, on a separate note on a different day, I felt wholly wretched and deplorable.
I feel as if I am the greatest retard, cretin, and moron; just name it and I will nod in pitiful acknowledgment. If I had been stronger and held on, maybe you would not have left. Maybe if I had been more assertive, I could have swayed you over. I could have convinced you to stay on, to give it a shot. I was too weak. I simply could not bear to force my ideas and way of thinking on to you. I care for you more than I will ever admit. I want you to be by my side willingly. I respect your beliefs even though I think they are slightly warped. I genuinely want what is best for you and since you feel so strongly that it is best to put it off for the moment, I have no choice but to let you go, hopefully temporarily. And I hate myself entirely for it. I really cannot afford to lose you.
When I say that I will do something, I will do it, regardless of the situation or circumstance. Should I not possess the ability to accomplish it, I would just keep my silence and not get involved or make any commitments. However today, I have made my greatest and most momentous promise. I swore to you that I will be waiting for you to be ready and that I shall stick around for as long as it may take. I similarly affirmed that I shall not have a change of heart. Should my promises prove empty then feel free to heap abuse and insults on to my name and manhood. I shall scoff at your vilifications with bitterness, for I am not a man. (Since I broke my promises.)
You are worth the wait and effort for you are the most exceptional person that I have ever encountered. No one, aside from you, is able to invoke and stir such strong and substantial emotions in me. When I think of you, I smile blissfully to myself. When I am talking to you I am filled with eagerness and interest. And I tingle jubilantly at your every touch. Seeing you smile brightens my entire day and I savour every second in your company. And for you I am willing to do anything. I am not being noble; I am just helplessly in love. To me, you are more significant than oxygen. And I can never give you up. I am earnestly anticipating the day when our fingers will entwine and our palms will be pressed together again. And for a side order, please also rest your head on my shoulder once more. (;
